Miami - Monday 30th June

I'm insured! Yes, in typical 'me' style I set my insurance from the 30th by mistake - thank God I didn't get shot yesterday. Phew.

Ok the weird thing, but also the good thing, about flying over here is I am awake at 7am. Very awake and up (Yes Mum I'm up!).

There is a strange noise in the room, it sounds like a hairdryer but turns out to be the air-conditioning unit. After some experimentation this rectangular anti-hairdryer turns out to be my best friend. I apologise to all eco-warriors I know, and to myself, I am truly sorry but Yes I love the air-conditioner.

Now, don't kill me over this but after getting up... I did some work. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry! I'm a bad person and totally uncool and will die alone in a work obsessed pit in hell where I will have to work for eternity. But I just HAD to. After the crazy bag-snatching madness of Friday I spent all of Saturday getting new glasses, phone chips, etc. and did not work. As such the few vital things I had to do I did this morning. Done now so I can stop thinking about it (yeah right) and get on with this holiday. So drop it ok, it's over and I won't do it again.

Today is: acclimatise day. Yes that's right. Armed with 3/4 length trousers, sleeveless top, flip-flops, shades and hard American cash I hit the streets of downtown Miami. JeSUS it's hot, hot, hot and white. I feel like my retinas have been damaged and I'm only seeing some of the colours. Like reciprocity failure in film when you just can't process that much light. Anyway, I digress. This grid street business is well Jackson. I'm totally lost instantly. Brilliant. I find myself somewhere on 5th Avenue before you can say 'Deco' and then I'm on the beach.

Now, when I say 'beach' you may be thinking, strip of sand, sun-loungers, and then the sea. Oh no, no, no, no. Your average American does not do things by halves I'm learning. This is the M25 of beaches. It's HUGE and very clean, very white, and very very long. My hotel is on 16th street, and here I am at 10am on 5th street. That's 11 blocks. It's 88 degrees and licking the bead of sweat off my eyebrow is my only form of hydration - this walk is going to kill me. I ponder this for a minute before deciding that the only sensible thing to do is put on the retro jukebox and play Paul van Dyk VERY loudly and walk. It is at this moment of quiet contemplation at my task ahead that a beautifully tanned man in a lovely French accent asks me politely if I "live here" and "do I know where the tourist information office is?" HWhaaaaaatttt???

11 blocks later I am a gasping, but audibly satisfied, person who lands on Lincoln Road (later I learn it is called "The Road"). I get to the junction with Collins Ave and there before me are the hallowed neon lights of a massive 24hr Pharmacy - SALVATION! I literally dash inside this thing and wish to hell I hadn't. I am still not sure that the contrast of 88 degree heat with some crazy relative humidity and minus 10 degree air-conditioning is good for the human body. I get some strange looks before spying myself in a mirror. Can I just say at this point that some words, though they mean what they are, do not truly convey what they mean. The word on this occasion is: Red. I look like a 50 year old man suffering from life-threatening high blood pressure.

After shopping and recovering in my hotel for a couple of hours I return to the beach (after the Midday sun) and bathe in the heat and in the water. I have SPF 40 and 55 for the face. Gosh this is lovely. The water is hotter than a bath and the sun is totally bearable. I could get used to this holidaying lark.

At 7.30pm I try, and fail to watch the horror that is TV over here and pass out...