Miami - Wednesday 2nd July

Today is Everglades day. In a worried state I set all 3 alarms last night (In case you don't know me very well I have issues with time) .Anyway, what was the point? am stark raving awake at 7.30am - Coach arrives at 10am = M-A-D-N-E-S-S.

Guess what? I didn't do any work today. Well done me.

I don't have a huge amount of wisdom to impart on you about the Everglades, aside from the fact that all words are literal. They are glades and they go on for ever. Swamp apples, are apples that live in the swamp, etc. I could go on but I fear you may log-off immediately.

Anyway, I thought pictures and captions would be much more exciting. (Most decent pics are on my proper camera sorry - so you get the phone ones)

It is THE day for Merrils (sp?). Thank you belatedly J for these puppies. They are uber perfect for marching about swamp land with some Alligators and Crocodiles. Did I mention this is the only place where they live naturally together? Well not exactly together but there is salt and sea water within close proximity so they're neighbours.

OK, this is just cruel and not that funny. They are dead but even so - perlease. Is it only me or is this just not that funny? Just me then. Tsk.

Here's the air boat driver, let's call him Chuck*. But actually what we should call him is Maniac. I decide that I will loiter in the queue and then sneak a side seat so I have the best view. BIG mistake. Not only am I 1 centimetre away from the Alligators but Maniac does all kinds of crazy spins and turns on the air boat. Which results in 1) Getting soaked, 2) Getting within 1 millimeter of the Alligators 3) Feeling like I'm going to die. Next time I'm pinning myself between 2 tourists; lets call them Mr & Mrs Fat-Americans**.
* His real name
** Their real names

There is a tiny spec somewhere in this photo of an actual Alligator. I got so excited with the digital SLR and then this phone camera I nearly tipped me and the hot chick in front of me into its mouth. So, sorry it's a rubbish shot. But I had to save myself and therefore you got this photo of some leaves. Honestly though, if you're still talking to me after reading all this for two weeks I'll show you the real pics. They're totally AWESOME! (I'm down with the lingo man)

Ah, who's that l'ill lady? My mum at this point is crying whilst reading this because she hasn't seen me for a week and she's probably worried because I only just about survive in London. It's OK Mum I'm alive, look!

(taken by hot chick in front of me whom I nearly killed in the last picture)

For those amongst you who have any kind of memory (that excludes all my clubbing buddies) you will see that I am a complete hypocrite. After the moral stand taken in the first picture I have now completely immersed myself in tourism.

I am holding a real Alligator. Whoa, is this little guy heavy. He has his mouth tied together with that black tape you use to tape up your car stereo. As any of you tom-boys know this stuff comes undone very easily. I look like I'm smiling in the picture but actually it's a grimace as I've just wet myself in utter fear.

Yep, that'll be the Everglades then. I did get some crazy water shots as we careered about just at the end of the creak. And to save our ears from air-boat deafness we got free earplugs as well.

After we got back I dashed to a bar in vain to watch Murray get completely outplayed by Senior Nadal, drank 3 beers and sulked home in a (why are we so crap?) mood....

Better new is... Tomorrow is Dexter Day. I am very excited (typical these days). I am going to cycle north to Bal Harbour (where Dex keeps his boat) and Bay Harbour (where Dex dumps his bodies - "The Bay Harbour Butcher"). I haven't found anyone of my own to kill yet. I might choose the guy who insulted me yesterday. Or perhaps the woman on my tour bus who pointed out 'everything' normal on the interstate. This simply must not go unpunished:
- Ooh a gas station
- Oh look honey a mango tree*
- Oh My God baby would you look at those abandoned clothes on the road!

DIE DIE DIE, STAB STAB STAB

* Obviously to you and me seeing mango trees is 'way' exciting, but to a local this is ear-bleedingly tedious.